About Marriage

Like childbirth, marriage is one of those experiences where you go “How come nobody warned me.” It’s not that you hate it, no. It’s just real honest flipping hard work.

There are so many articles on , ’10 ways to improve your marriage’. The truth of the matter is, no number of articles could ever prepare you to spending an eternity with one person.

So what is marriage in my view?

1. Lots of hard work

The sparks will not always be there. I mean some days you are so mad at your partner that you could strangle them. I always say, ‘’If you and your siblings are raised under one roof, yet fight like cat and dog, what more about a total stranger”. See, we are all raised differently. I wash the dishes, dry and pack them away immediately. My husband on the other hand believes the dishes must breath. He will wash them and leave them to dry out. That to me is a serious trigger. Granted, he has been doing this since our dating days. Then I’d just brush it off because hey, it was his apartment. I get to go to my place. Sharing space with someone though, magnifies things. Small things become big, and big issues become catastrophic.  It’s about breaking down issues into sections.

2. Accepting your partner as they are

Our definition of unconditional love is a paradox. Would you honestly love someone through unemployment, through their mental illness, through bankruptcy. You might stick around for the first year, or maybe even the 2nd. What happens when you reach 5yrs with baggage and problems you didn’t bargain for? What then?

I think at some point we struggle with the concept because there are all these pre-conceived ideas of what love it. He needs to buy you flowers, wine and dine you, sweep you off your feet.  But there is so much more to love than that. Look at your partner’s attributes. I’m always grateful that he never goes ‘’chilling with the boys”. He spends time with the kids more than I do. He wraps me in his arms every single night, even after a disagreement. I’m learning to look at the positives and truly appreciate them.

3. Loving without losing yourself

I’m all for self-love before anything. The reason you find yourself snapping and irritable is mostly because you have been giving and giving and giving. You need to take time for yourself and receive. How when you need to feed the kids, bath them, make sure husband is fine, and….and… Listen to me carefully on this one. YOU NEED TO PRIORITISE YOURSELF, be selfish for just a couple of hours once a week. In my household, I’m unavailable every Wednesday afternoon. I do Pole dancing and I love it. I find myself a happier wife and mom because of that. Allow yourself to be.

4. Agreeing to disagree

I am a Cancerian (i.e. Emotional, passionate and ‘always right’). In short, I wouldn’t dare marry myself. Hubby and I don’t argue a lot, but when we do it tends to escalate quickly. I fight unfair and most of the time hit below the belt. I think I have some Italian blood mixed with our Cape flats sisters. Over the years, I’ve had to grow up. To stop being overly sensitive and just listen. Take time to just listen and not internalize anything. I’ve had to learn that it’s OK to not agree with him. His opinion is his. Who am I to try and convince him otherwise.  There’s one video that just made it click to me…. Watch Kristen Bell talking about fight with husband Dax Shepard.

17 comments
  1. Love it! Marriage is by far one of the most beautiful things you can ever get into but also the hardest work you will have to do AND for the rest of your lives!!!!

    1. Yes my friend, beautiful but tough. They don’t call it a commitment for nothing.

  2. I think that many relationships end because people don’t try to understand that nobody is perfect and the person they fell in love with has their flaws as well. When you fall in love you only tend to see the good things. Also, agreeing to disagree is important as well! Marriage is not a constant fight on who’s right and who is wrong.

    1. True. There’s a lot of compromise that has to be done in a marriage. We all need to remember that.

  3. I think this is a wonderful reminder. I know I have gone through times where I felt like all I was in life was someone’s wife or mother. I was not me. We all need to remember who we are as a person no matter how busy or hard life with family gets.

    1. I thing most women absolutely struggle with this. It’s society expectations that’s leading us to have breakdowns.

  4. I totally agree marriage is lots of hard work. If we dont work on the issue, break it down and work at portion by portion, it get escalated and explode in one fine day. By the way, I love your family portrait with the graffiti backdrop, really cool. Lovely pair of children and handsome husband. I guess you work very hard to keep a happy family.

    1. Oh thank you, I absolutely love color. Graffiti makes me so happy.

  5. Marriage seems like a lot of work. I think about being married a lot, what it would be like and if i can ever do it. I love the part where you focused on loving without losing yourself which is a big fear of mine. Thanks for this post.

    1. It definitely is. Take your time because this really is a life changing decision. Don’t get me wrong, it has it’s beautiful moments.

  6. I love number three. We often give too much of ourselves to our partners when we’re in love that we forget that we’re also individuals with our own wants and needs. We have to consider that and know our worth.

  7. <3 YUP. It's no cake walk but if you've truly found the right person any long-term relationship is worth the work. How do you know its the right person? You're both willing to do that work. I hate that so many people think there is this perfect soul mate out there who will just do everything they want, when they want, how they want – if you find that its either fake or they're afraid of you… neither are good! The secret is working at it, finding ways to bridge the gaps in your differences and celebrating those differences. Try to see the other's point of view but don't feel you need to take them on yourself and don't push yours on someone else. And for goodness sake, take some time apart. It's OK to like some things the other person doesn't and vice versa. This time apart not only helps you keep in touch with who you are as an individual, it gives you stuff to talk about when you're together.

    http://www.amylynnwriting.com

  8. You hit the nail on the head with all your points here. I agree with loving without losing yourself, it is probably one of the most important factors!

  9. I absolutely love and appreciate this insightful post. Every word of it resonates with me. I have been married for over 10 years and still feel like I have so much to learn about myself and how to foster and continue to cultivate a loving relationship. The fairytale doesn’t and when we get married, it is the beginning ❤️

  10. This is such a great post. and I totally agree with some point. Loving without losing yourself and Accepting your partner as they are is the most important of all.

  11. You said it all, and I totally agree! I’ve been married for 14 years and each of them has been a conquest. Love is a war, and we battle to keep it going. We went through such hard times I thought we wouldn’t recover. But here we are, wounded, but still going on. That’s life after all, and a husband/wife is a companion for your path in life. Of course, if you are a companion of travel to somebody you wouldn’t leave him bleeding in the middle of the road. At least I know I wouldn’t. I’ve recently watched a movie called “The mountain between us” and I love to think of it as a metaphor for marriage!

  12. I have never been married before, but I can only imagine how difficult it can be. If you can continue to love them through the hard times, well then that’s real love. I love your honesty here and that you don’t try to make it look perfect.

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