The Obsession (Anxiety)
On this day I knew something inside of me had changed, I just couldn’t explain it. I was so nervous. To me you looked so fragile and weak. You had just come out of ICU and deep inside I was scared of losing you. I just didn’t know it. The one thing I have always wanted was here, but it scared the living crap out of me. And so my protective mode kicked in. I was going to do everything in my power not to loose you. You were not going to leave us like your sibling did. No baby boy, mommy was not going to let you go.
On this day I made sure everything was perfect. I planned everything from A to Z. This kept me busy from being anxious and scared of losing you. By now I had, at least, 50 thoughts about how you could die . I mean what if I trip and fall down the stairs. Worse is if I didn’t sterilize your bottle and you died from a bacteria. Did you have enough food? Did you poop? Am I keeping you stimulated enough? Are you going to remember me as your mom.
The beginning of Recovery
On this day I felt like ‘I got this’. The dark cloud was slowly lifting and I was beginning to be the mommy you deserved. Not the robot that was paranoid about you. Definitely not the fear stricken woman who would not be caught alone with you. I was starting to SEE you. Your bubbly personality, your infectious smile, your compassionate self. I started connecting with you on a deeper level and relaxing as a mom. I’m eternally thankful to God for sending me a lifeline. I don’t know what I would’ve done without my psychiatrist.
Where am I now?
My son is 7 years old, crazy cute and so compassionate. We are extremely close and I know he does not remember the ‘anxious mom’. He is the most happiest and easiest child to have around. It’s been a long journey of recovery for me. I had to change medication at some point because it just wasn’t working for me. We eventually got to a point of finding what worked and never looked back. Over the years I have been reducing my dosages slowly because I don’t want to fall back into the dark space, ever. And finally this year, after being on the lowest dose for 3 years, I came off the medication. Scary, but with my family’s support I know I’ll be fine, I AM FINE. The important lesson about Mental health is patience. This was by far the biggest challenge in my life, and yet so fulfilling.
To a mom struggling right now, I’m sending you love. Know that I am here to support you.