I survived Perinatal Mood Disorders, so can you

The Obsession (Anxiety)

On this day I knew something inside of me had changed, I just couldn’t explain it. I was so nervous. To me you looked so fragile and weak. You had just come out of ICU and deep inside I was scared of losing you.  I just didn’t know it. The one thing I have always wanted was here, but it scared the living crap out of me. And so my protective mode kicked in. I was going to do everything in my power not to loose you. You were not going to leave us like your sibling did. No baby boy, mommy was not going to let you go.

Perfection (OCD)

On this day I made sure everything was perfect. I planned everything from A to Z. This kept me busy from being anxious and scared of losing you. By now I had, at least, 50 thoughts about how you could die . I mean what if I trip and fall down the stairs. Worse is if I didn’t sterilize your bottle and you died from a bacteria. Did you have enough food? Did you poop? Am I keeping you stimulated enough? Are you going to remember me as your mom.

 

The beginning of Recovery

On this day I felt like ‘I got this’. The dark cloud was slowly lifting and I was beginning to be the mommy you deserved. Not the robot that was paranoid about you. Definitely not the fear stricken woman who would not be caught alone with you. I was starting to SEE you. Your bubbly personality, your infectious smile, your compassionate self. I started connecting with you on a deeper level and relaxing as a mom. I’m eternally thankful to God for sending me a lifeline. I don’t know what I would’ve done without my psychiatrist.

Where am I now?

My son is 7 years old, crazy cute and so compassionate. We are extremely close and I know he does not remember the ‘anxious mom’. He is the most happiest and easiest child to have around. It’s been a long journey of recovery for me. I had to change medication at some point because it just wasn’t working for me. We eventually got to a point of finding what worked and never looked back. Over the years I have been reducing my dosages slowly because I don’t want to fall back into the dark space, ever. And finally this year, after being on the lowest dose for 3 years, I came off the medication. Scary, but with my family’s support I know I’ll be fine, I AM FINE.  The important lesson about Mental health is patience. This was by far the biggest challenge in my life, and yet so fulfilling.

To a mom struggling right now, I’m sending you love. Know that I am here to support you.

9 comments
  1. This post made me cry! You are a gorgeous woman with such a beautiful family, and it breaks my heart to know that you had to deal with perinatal mood disorders

    1. Oh thank you mommy. It really was a difficult journey but I made it. I wear scars with pride and I hope some moms will gain courage from this story.

  2. The reasons may vary, but people are often driven to catastrophic decisions due to loneliness and the inability to find help.

  3. Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story! I think it’s one so many people need to hear.

  4. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it will give hope to mother’s out there that are going through this ordeal. I am very glad to hear that you are fine. You are a strong woman.

  5. I am so sorry you had to go through this but glad to hear you and your son came out ok on the other side! Thank you for being strong and sharing your story to help others.

    1. If I can just help one mom out there.

  6. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can relate to this on many levels. My son was my 7th pregnancy and although riddled with complications he survived and was my first child. I was so scared I was going to mess up and lose him. He is now 23yrs old and an amazing young man!

    1. It was a scary time in my life, but now I’m definitely much more relaxed. We definitely need to share more.

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